First Things First..

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

Let’s start out with one of my worst memories that I’ve had… my parents divorce.

Growing up i was always a daddy’s girl. Helping him build stuff like the deck, steps for camping, tables, etc. He taught me how to fix cars. I remember going around the house taking things apart just to put them back together. Maybe that’s why I was always distant from my mom.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my mother. But her and I always seemed to but heads. Was it because I’m so much like my father? I was devastated when she told me that they were getting a divorce. I should’ve seen it coming. They used to be so loving and caring of one another. Then that all changed.

They started arguing all the time. Cursing, yelling, putting one another down. I remember trying to keep this all from my baby sister. We’re 6 years apart. I’ve always tried to look out for her, but it didn’t work. She knew everything that was going on and where it was leading.

I was swimming with my best friend, my neighbor who I’ve been close with since we were in diapers. I remember my mom coming out back and screaming at me to get out of the pool that were moving out and not living with my dad anymore. Maybe that’s why I resent her so much. She took me away. She broke up the family. She cheated on my dad with some scumbag.

Little did I know this was around the time her addiction started. Alcohol and prescription pills. We still saw my dad on the weekends. I hated living with my mother. I still do. My dad and I have always been so close. My mom’s so judgemental so it’s hard to open up to her. My dad is very understanding and will give his opinion but will let you make your own decisions.

I cannot wait to be out on my own. Because Christmas is less than 2 weeks away she keeps trying to do things with me, my sister, and my step loser. I’ve gotten out of it though. Saying I have to work late or I’m busy. I just don’t want to deal with it.

My depression started after we moved in with the step loser.. but that’ll be in a different blog. I hope you all are enjoying this so far. It’s gonna be a bumpy road.

Hectic Holidays..

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

Hey guys,

So I know that I said I was going to try and blog daily and then fell off the face of the earth. I apologize. A lot has happened that I will catch you all up on.

First things first. I stayed at my boos house for a week..so my mom was kinda pissed about that. But I helped his mom get ready for christmas and baby sat my bfs niece. His family became mine over this past week.

(BF)
On christmas I received thee best present from my bf. A promise ring.. that was actually a wedding band set. It’s beautiful. So I put it all over social media because who wouldn’t! well, his ex gf, friend, whatever you want to call her commented on it and said “Thats awesome..” so me taking it as her being sarcastic, which everyone did. I responded with “isn’t it though” and she put “haaaa” so I said “yep” and then she was blowing up my bfs sisters phone talking about she usually over reacts but this time she isn’t and I’m a bitch and this and that. Now mind you, her and I used to be friends. She calls me and acts like she’s my best friend. So I called her to talk to her and as soon as she picks up the phone she starts screaming at me. Thats how you know she did wrong. So she’s like I don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch I did nothing to you and I’m happy for you guys. Im like listen, I know you lied to my face multiple times and that you were trying to get with him multiple times while you were with other guys. she said she had no idea what I was talking about and that she didn’t have feelings for him and that it was all his idea and she didn’t really care about him she was just entertaining his ideas. which is complete bullshit. So I kept my composure and called her out on all her shit. She told me I better watch my back and that she’s gonna stomp my face in and all this drama. I walked in the house and apologized to his mom and pop and their friend who stays with them and they all turned around and said I can’t believe you stayed so calm with everything she was saying about you. You completely handled yourself and don’t apologize because she deserved it. (Lemme just explain that their family was in love with this chick who did nothing but use them for their money, so having them stick up for me when his ex texted them all meant so so  so much to me!!!) They all bought me christmas presents and it warmed my heart I wanted to cry!

Why can’t people own up to their mistakes?! It was your choice..

(Family)
I’m polish. My grandparents on my dads side came straight from Poland. Ever since I was a baby (and even before I was born) we had what is called Vagilia the day before Christmas. You make homemade Pierogies with the family and you have Blessed….uhh I forget the technical term.. but its like the stuff you get from church…The Blessed sacrament and the owner of the house will go around and talk to each person and break bread with them telling them why they are proud of them and what they hope the new year brings for that person. Since my Grandfather passed away a couple years ago it was my dad who would do it. Well this year my family basically canceled Christmas. This is why I was with my bfs family. We didn’t have Vagilia because my oldest sister was sick, yet she still went out. It broke my heart I was so upset.This brought out so many panic attacks. I felt like my family was falling apart.But with my bf and his family I got through it.

 

What was your holiday drama?
Do you have family traditions that you guys do every year??

Relationships…

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

Lets talk about the lovely (somewhat meaningful) relationships I’ve been in.. stick with me..

So not only have I not seen/grown up around a stable relationship, I’ve never been in a stable relationship…until 5 months ago!

I’m 23 years old and every relationship I’ve ever been in the guy has cheated and made me feel like a complete piece of shit.

I used to weigh 100 pounds throughout high school. I was always so tiny and yet I always had a problem with the way I looked. I thought I was too fat and that no one would like me. I even paid a personal trainer to help me. I wasn’t healthy at all. I’d only eat one small meal a day and starve myself. I was basically on a liquid diet. It got to the point where I was in the hospital because I was withering away to nothing.

#1

My first real relationship, I was 17 and he was the same age. I met him through a party for my sister. He was the cutest boy I’ve seen, well so I thought. I lost my virginity to him at 18 years old after we went camping with his family. We were together for 2 years. I got put on birth control in 2009 when I met him and after a year and a half he wanted me to stop it to get pregnant and I refused. He even proposed to me! Stupid little me said yes…then I found porn on his phone and another girls address in his GPS. I was so done. That was near christmas too. So that was done and over with.

2nd guy….wasn’t really a relationship. He was in a recovery house. He’d visit me everyday at my work and try to get me to go on a date with him so I did. I knew something was up when he refused to go to my graduation party..turns out he knew my step dad and is notorious for sleeping with females and leaving them..that was a short two months.

#2

Okay. So this one is interesting. I was friends with this girl in high school. Every time I hung out with her, her uncle was around. He’s like 9/10 years older than her and I. So I never did anything about it. When #2 screwed me over I randomly messaged him like I need to talk to you about whats going on. He was always there for me through out everything that happened with me. So we got to talking and we hung out down by the river. He hugged me and the next night he told me he wanted to kiss me. So we met up and we kissed. We were together daily from that point on for about 2 1/2 years. Then on his birthday he told me he was going out and he couldn’t see me. I wasn’t turning 21 till that november and his bday was a couple days after valentines day. There was a pic that popped up on Facebook of him kissing another girl.. So I walked away. Oh I forgot to mention that I spent a good 4-5 grand on him easily. I supported that loser while he lived with his parents.

after this, there were some meaningless hookups with a couple of guys. I was tired of being tied down to losers who did nothing for me. It was time that I found myself. I stayed single for a little over a year. Then….

#3

I got this job and met this really cool girl who became my best friend. She was engaged and pregnant and we worked together daily. We were playing around on tinder (dont judge me) and I found this guy who I thought was really attractive. Turns out she went to school with him so she hit him up on Facebook. Me and him started talking and hung out. Turned out he had a twin sister that lived with him. I spent every day and night there. I pretty much lived there with them. Then something didn’t seem too right.. I found out he was using again. Prescription pills. So one night I couldn’t find him. He took his car and disappeared. I was afraid that he had over dosed and died somewhere. I was trying to get ahold of his sister when this guy her (not so) bf picked up. So me and him talked for a few minutes and that was that. My bf ended up coming home high as shit. I was beyond worried about him. Come to find out he went over his ex’s house and had been seeing her the entire time we were together. Trying yet once again to get ahold of his sister I messaged that guy asking him to tell her to call me. He asked if everything was okay and when I told him what happened he asked me to come over his friends and hang out with them. So I did. I didn’t wanna be alone, I needed company.

#4

That night we hung out and the moment I saw him I knew I was in for an adventure…

We went back to his house and his sister and her friend were sitting out back so I got to talk to them. After they went to bed it was just him and I sitting out back at the table. I remember sitting there holding back tears. He grabbed my face and said please stop this. I can see how hurt you are and it’s killing me. Then he hugged me. As I pulled away.. well you can guess what happened next…our cheeks touched. Forehead to forehead. I could feel the spark. I lost my breath. I leaned in and just went for it. 20 seconds of pure courage..as I pulled away he says oh man I’m in deep shit.

Let me just say this. My ex’s sister treated him like complete and utter shit. Their relationship was beyond toxic. She did nothing for him and he did everything for her. Paid her bills and all while she went from job to job to job because she was more worried about getting high (like her twin brother) then keeping a job. Im just saying..

Since that night, July 16th 2015, we’ve been attached at the hip. He immediately broke it off with her and with me, he doesn’t have to pay for my shit. We’ve helped each other grow so much in these few months and its been so amazing. Every day he tells me how much he cares and appreciates me. It’s so nice to have someone I can fully trust and who wants a future with me.

I hope this wasn’t too confusing. And there were more relationships. These were just the main ones!

Hello Fellow Bloggers.

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

So I was going to try to do a blog daily. Might be a little hard but I’m going to try my best! I just want to thank you all for following, commenting, asking questions, and giving feedback!! I never realized how fun this could be! If you guys ever have anything to say or just want to talk feel free to comment and I’ll tell you how to get ahold of me 🙂 Happy Blogging!!

Dealing with Depression. (trigger warning)

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

My depression started after my parents divorce and my dad lost my childhood home.

I would sit in my room with a razor or something sharp and just cry. I remember multiple times just sitting there in a pool of my own blood sitting in the tub staring at the wounds I just opened. They were never too deep. Its hard to explain the relief that cutting brings if you’ve never been in the situation. It took away the pain around me that I couldn’t control. My cutting, my wounds, my hurt, and my pain was something that I could control. It was such a relief to me. Maybe the way a cigarette is to a smoker.

There was one time that I cut multiple times down my arm and I showed my older sister. I was sitting there laughing and amazed at how much blood was coming out. I remember her grabbing paper towels and taking me for a ride. She cried like I’ve never seen, I felt bad for hurting her but it was my escape.

My parents didn’t really know how bad my depression had gotten until he saw marks on my hands from where I took an eraser to my skin. It was stupid but I was stressed out in school and didn’t have a razor and the kids around me thought this was all a joke with erasing your skin. It takes off a layer and burns, and leaves scars.. When he saw it he freaked out and took me to my moms. A week later while I was at his house, we had gotten into an argument and I started bashing my head against the wall. The houses were those old time houses that were made of like cement.You couldn’t dent the wall with a punch. So I  bashed my head until I was to the pass out point. He told me he didn’t want to see me and dropped me off at my moms.

That was my parents breaking point. They didn’t waste any time making an appointment with a therapist. I went for a week or two. She asked about my family and I told her everything. How much I hated living with my mother and how I hated my step loser. I tried everything to chase him off. It worked a couple times but he always came back. Everything I told this stranger about me and my life, she documented and told my mom. That was the end of that.

What had ended it for me was when someone who I was close with pulled me aside. They told me that they hated seeing me hurt myself and that if I truly loved and cared for them that I would promise not to ever hurt myself again.

I still struggle daily with my depression. It’s not something that just goes away. There have been days that I’ve sat there with a razor in my hand wanting to just break the skin and see that red liquid pour out. It’s kind of like an addict with their choice of drug.

I’m happy that I can say that it has been almost 9 years since I last cut.

If you or someone you know is depressed, please do not be afraid to reach out and get help. This is something that is so serious. So many innocent lives were taken from this terrible disease.. If anyone needs to talk, comment or email me at dazedandconfused922@aol.com Im always here. You’re never alone..

About Me.

Posted on by dazedndconfused92

  • Lets start out with this.
  • I was born in 1992.
  • I am a female.
  • My parents have been divorced since I started 5th grade.
  • I suffer from anxiety and depression.
  • I used to cut..a lot.
  • I have a very large family.
  • Sucker for a good romance novel.
  • Graduated college.
  • My mother and step father are former addicts.
  • I’ve moved so many times that I’ve lost count..and they were all within this same little town that I wish I could escape.